My beloved “baby girl” dog, Kida, let us know last night that she was ready to pass. I made the dreadful call to our vet today, we picked up our son from school a little early, and we all, as a family, shared in Kida’s passing. She seemed so grateful as we began the process. She was nearly nineteen years old, and had lived an amazingly full, joyful life. She was so ready to begin her next adventure.
For Kida, I’m confident that today was a tremendous blessing. So I’m extremely happy for her. Her suffering has ended, and she is certainly in a much better place now. And while that brings me a great deal of comfort, I’m devastated. I’m giving myself permission to be selfish today, and think about MY loss, and the changes that I have to make now. Things are so different, the house is much emptier, and there are signs of her everywhere. I miss so many things about her, and knowing that death is final, and there is no way to get her back, to hear her excited squeaks, to give her another snuggle… it’s so very hard.
And so very necessary. “He who mourns, mends.” Regardless of the type of loss, we all have to go through the grieving process in order to move beyond it. It’s so important to work through your grief- we all must walk the path and move through the grief in order to complete it, let it go, and move on. This is something I’ve had to work at; I tend to grow roots and connections very quickly, and those roots grow very strong and deep. Letting go is so hard, and I have so many connections to sever and release that I tend toward getting stuck in my process. It’s so hard for me to let go.
On the flip side, I have clients that have never learned to grieve. Some were taught that “everything is ok,” and that being sad was, therefore, not ok. Or they grew up in families that hid the grief, ignoring it, burying it, because it wasn’t talked about. Or it was too uncomfortable to discuss. Or it happened behind closed doors and they were not exposed to it. Whatever the reason, the emotions of grief were not addressed. And now, as adults who are working with me on other goals, we see that these trapped, buried, ignored feelings have never truly been worked through or released. They linger for decades and rear their heads only to be squelched again. It’s a cyclical trap. Without working through the grief, it never leaves. Only by facing it can we release it and be free.
Sometimes the emotion has become so hidden that my client doesn’t even see that it’s an issue. We are often working on other goals and have hit a block in progress. This shows up a lot in weight loss journeys, where we’re making great progress and all of a sudden we hit a standstill. Or a regression. Old habits come back. Emotional eating comes up. Or a binge rears up seemingly out of nowhere. Most often we find that the answer is to work on old emotional baggage and allow it to be processed then released. Freeing the grief, in whatever form, is the key to releasing the block and moving forward.
So how can we help ourselves to work through grief? First, acknowledge that grieving is an ACTIVE process. We need to put in the work. Find a balance between getting through the mandatory activities of your day as well as taking time to reflect and mourn. Understand that your grief is YOURS to work through and heal. There is no correct timeline, no deadline, no “correct” process. Some people take more time, some less. Some can move through grief and release quickly, others are stuck a bit and need more time. There is no one single right way to do this. Do what works for you.
While working through your grief, cut yourself some slack. You will not be as efficient, productive, or mentally sharp as usual. And that’s okay. Try not to overschedule your day, sign up for additional responsibilities or take on new tasks. Carve out some time in your day for reflections, memories, and thoughts about your loss and its impact. Allow the emotions and what ensues to flow freely during this time. Acknowledge it and work with it. Let yourself be a mess during this time if that’s what you need.
Talk about your grief with someone “safe”: someone who is a good listener, who won’t pass harsh judgement, who can just receive your words. Prayer is wonderful for this! Or choose a friend or family member that fits the bill. Remember, supportive, non-judgemental, comfortable. If you don’t have a friend or family member that can support you in this, find a support group or a therapist. There is no weakness in calling for help, no failure in asking for support. And if someone offers to help or support you in your journey, graciously accept! Telling others what you need during this time can also make the process more comfortable for all who are involved.
To avoid getting stuck, plan ahead for how to get through upcoming tougher days, like the birthday of a lost loved one, or a holiday that will stir up memories. Allow yourself time to enjoy life- your loss does not mean you must shut out joy. As with all things in this life, moderation is key. If a great opportunity arises to have a fun time and enjoy something that makes you happy, DO IT!! It’s not irreverent, shameful, or wrong to be happy.
Focus on self care. Watch your diet (making heathy food choices can help neurochemical balances as well as support the physical healing that comes with emotional healing) and make sure you get enough sleep (to support the processes of healing that are at work within you). Make time for relaxation activities- whatever helps you. A bath, prayer, meditation, breath work, yoga, a long walk in nature, a massage… do what helps you to relax. If your relaxing includes entertainment media, such as television, movies, books, or scrolling through socials, PLEASE be cautious and choose wisely!! Perhaps a comedy show instead of an intense emotional heartbreaker of a movie. Maybe use your socials to check in on specific friends, groups, or videos whose content is supportive in your journey, rather than aimlessly scrolling- goodness knows what you’ll find that will cause a negative trigger.
When the time is right, let go. Releasing your grief does not mean you have erased the memories, the lost loved one, the relationship. It does not mean you are turning your back or severing bonds. It means you are free of the loss, of the grief, of the emotions, and are no longer bound to them. Rather you can move forward in your own path while allowing reflection about the positive experiences or lessons or development that came from that time in your life.
Enjoy your new life, my precious Kida girl, as I shall enjoy the remainder of mine here in this world. Thank you for nineteen years of love and joy, and all the gifts you gave me every day. I’ll remember them fondly until we are reunited in the Lord’s Heavenly kingdom.
